Another customary year-end post
Thoughts on 2023, etc.
I figured I may as well do a year-end post/letter now, since I was looking to keep busy on a quiet day in the office the day I started this letter (December 15th). I don’t know what my drive to write will be like during the holidays, and I won’t be bringing my laptop to my parents’ place; I think I’m just going to lay low until the new year.
When I look back at my Instagram posts over the past year, they’re not very exciting. They’re mostly selfies, with a few pictures of Autumn or other cats sprinkled in. It feels like an appropriate metaphor for my life in 2023, which for the most part was not particularly interesting or exciting. The biggest things that happened life-wise were work related; our office moved to a new location in February and I have a new supervisor. There’s been the odd night with friends or record fair, but last year was comparatively more eventful. A milestone birthday tends to do that, but I’ve been feeling myself shrink away from the world, aside from in the digital realm.
I wonder if it’s mainly self-preservation that I’ve become even more of a homebody over the past year. When I look at the political climate with regards to trans rights, I’m more apprehensive about being out past a certain time or wearing something especially gender affirming. There’s also a mixture of exhaustion and frugality in there: it rarely seems worth it to go out for a drink because all I can think about is how much I’ll probably end up spending and how badly I’ll be feeling it later.
I’ve definitely touched on this before, but there have also been a significant number of days where I’m too worn out to do much else besides lie in bed with my phone and my cat. My body aches, my brain can’t seem to put together the steps needed to accomplish a single task, and I don’t feel like I can handle acting like a person. If I’m out in public, I’m impatient to get home, and am firmly in “do not wish to be perceived” mode. I attribute a lot of this to my senses just being overloaded from the steady flow of fluorescent lighting, computer screens and ambient noise, but there’s also a lot coming from inside my head as well.
The positive part of not having an especially interesting year, though, is that I haven’t experienced any major losses or upheavals. I can’t say I haven’t been entirely untouched by loss this year, but I think that’s par for the course when you reach your forties. As bad as the world is right now (and it seems to be getting worse), my life’s been relatively calm in comparison, and it’s a privilege to be able to say that.
I’ve been using this space to do most of my personal writing this year. It’s easier to come up with stuff here, even if I’m just navel-gazing and writing what comes to mind at that given moment. I feel like the writing on my main site needs a bit more deliberation and polish before I share; I still intend to post there, but there’s a bit of pressure to get everything right that turns what’s supposed to be a fun outlet into an assignment. If I’m not careful, I burn out.
What I’m trying for my sketch comedy posts is to just work on things as I feel like it, without rushing to publish anything. My plan for the next seasons I cover for both shows is to get everything completed before I go live, and then publish only once a week afterward; I also plan to alternate shows (no more posting twice a week) so I can buy time for preparing the next season’s reviews. It’s probably going to be a little while before I have something new to post there, but I hope taking a slower pace will make my hobby fun again.
I’ve been having more trouble coming up with non-sketch posts. I want to use those to do more personal essays, but I posted a grand total of one blog post on my main site that didn’t fall into the category of sketch comedy reviews. It was an attempted exorcism of things that I had been dwelling on for a little while; I don’t know how well it worked, but it was a relief to get those feelings out there. I’ve resigned myself to the pang that hits me by surprise every time it happens.
If I’m going to do more personal writing, I need to be able to hold space for the strong emotions that may bubble up in the process.
I don’t really have any major goals for the new year. In years past I would have said I wanted to travel somewhere or save money, but there are too many variables that are outside of my control, and just getting through the day-to-day is enough of an achievement, especially in this dumpster fire. It would be nice to have an end to the ongoing genocides that are currently happening, or at least some relief in terms of the cost of living or the survival of democracy.
When I look back at previous years, I see myself continually vowing so much productivity writing-wise, or to spend more time with people face-to-face. It’s not that those aren’t worthy goals, but I have to reconcile them with how my brain works; I need more rest and alone time than a lot of other people, and the idea of forming habits doesn’t quite take hold for me. This was something I had been trying to overcome when I was younger, but I’ve been making my peace with it.
There really is no way of knowing what’s going to happen, though. I just hope that any surprises that come in 2024 are of the pleasant variety.
That’s pretty much it for now. Thanks to everyone who subscribes to this thing (or follows the links I share), and I hope everyone has a safe holiday season.