Appearances
A vacation and a few other things
Hello again,
I just came back from visiting family in New Brunswick. Even though I didn’t really do a whole lot during the week (partially due to lack of money), it was a much-needed mental reset, and I got to see an old friend and cuddle a number of cats.
It also had me appreciating the relative space and autonomy I have here in Halifax. It’s good to spend time with the people who know you better than most, but it can also be constricting, especially when there are personality differences or they still have a somewhat fixed idea of who you are that hasn’t really been updated since childhood. I’m so used to my alone time and being responsible for my own decisions, but when I’m around others I have a tendency to minimize my own wants in order to avoid conflict. It gets exhausting after a while.
The week also had me thinking more about the concept of neurodivergent masking, where you hide your autistic traits in order to pass as “normal”. I don’t mask as much around my family, but I’m not sure to what extent they see the “real” me; to be fair, nobody has full access to other people’s thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I don’t feel fully understood. With people I don’t know well enough to be super comfortable with, I tend to close myself off, though sometimes I wonder if I still manage to reveal too much (especially online).
Is it possible for me to develop closer relationships with other people, or is this the best I’m capable of?
Looking through pictures from earlier in my transition, I feel like I’ve settled into a bit of a rut in terms of my presentation. I don’t feel like I’ve really been doing enough experimentation with clothing and makeup; there is something to be said about finding a comfort zone, but I can sense that there’s also a bit of my conditioned reticence to stick out or draw attention to myself involved. There’s also a little bit of laziness in there; I don’t really want to spend a whole lot of time getting prepared in the morning.
I never really did a whole lot of experimentation in terms of my look when I was younger; it didn’t really feel like an option available to me. I sometimes feel like I’m a little too old to be doing much playing around but there’s also a bit of a people-pleasing aspect involved, like I have to tailor myself towards others’ expectations. Even now, it’s still hard to figure out my own needs and desires as opposed to what I feel is easily attainable. How do you unlearn this behaviour? What am I still trying to cling to?
One thing I find incredibly fascinating is how many neurodivergent people, particularly women and femmes, prefer to buzz or shave their heads. I’m guessing a lot of it is a sensory thing, but there’s also an aspect of reclaiming your own body and going against societal expectations in there. It’s become much more common to see a woman with a shaved head in the past few years, particularly in advertising or during the summer months.
I love the aesthetics of the bald look; I like short hair on women in general, but there’s something particularly striking about the silhouette and the way it redirects your focus to the face. There’s also usually a story behind a bald head, whether by choice or not, and it reveals something about the person. I always feel a bit of kinship with other bald women, like I do with trans, queer, and neurodivergent people; there’s something about them that I want to get to know better.
I’m not holding myself to a productivity goal or anything, but there’s a lot I want to write about these days. It’s just a matter of finding the time and focus to work through it all.
Sometime during my vacation, I listened to PJ Harvey’s Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea as I was going to bed one night. For some reason, something broke open inside me emotionally when I got to “One Line” that lasted for the rest of the album. I don’t know why.
This is another song from the album; it’s so beautiful in its simplicity.
I have a tendency to do what's easiest anymore and this post resonated to my core. I feel all these things in my own life. You are never too old to experiment, it seems as we get older, we think we are too old to learn/do something new to us, it's something society has taught us from a young age, but experimentation is how we figure out what we like and don't like. It's how I figured out I prefer being bald over having hair and if I want hair, a wig is a very good option. Don't be too hard on yourself. Life is a long journey and it takes time and small steps to get where we want to be. I have found making a list of what I'd like to try/do has helped and focusing on 1 or 2 things off that list and making a to-do list on how to make it a reality has helped me. This way I don't get overwhelmed by the whole list of things and can focus on them one at a time. Do I do this all the time, no, but it helps make it a bit easier, at least for me and my adhd brain.