A while back, I decided that I wasn’t going to bother with looking for a relationship until I felt like I had my shit together. At 41, I feel pretty confident that the “shit getting together” part is not going to happen; I’m not going to count anything out, but the older I get, the more I realize that I don’t really have the bandwidth for a relationship, or at least the process of starting one. Add in an inborn difficulty reading social cues (I have to process them intellectually instead of instinctually), and I would rather just err on the side of caution and avoid the stress.
From a practical perspective, being partnered has its advantages (the “singles tax” is real). Trouble is, I feel things HARD, and even feel the reverberations for years afterwards. I don’t like getting feelings for anyone because the heightened emotion and anxiety can be debilitating for someone whose tendency is to overthink and ruminate. I don’t want the extra stress on my weird brain; the thought just makes me shut down.
Even if the beginning part of the relationship ends up being plain sailing and things get serious, I don’t know how much I would be able to handle being constantly in close quarters with someone. I do get lonely. I do get horny. But even though the last few years have rearranged a lot of my life and generally made gathering with people in the physical world harder, they also really made me realize that I need my alone time. I used to be more willing to push myself into socializing, but I have to ask myself whether I can handle the inevitable social hangover that comes afterward.
I wonder how much I’m neglecting or writing off my own need for companionship to protect myself, though, either from irritation or pain.
Do you ever experience the state where you miss someone terribly but feel weird about contacting them even for just benign chit-chat? Does it extend to avoiding them in the physical world when possible?
I know, I’m just regurgitating the same old things.
My friend Gen is an amazing storyteller; I am in awe of how much living she has packed into her life already, and even more so at her ability to translate her experiences into words. She just wrote a tale about an incident on a bike trip with a friend through the Andes over 15 years ago. You can check it out here; she’s also written a few other stories about her exploits that are worth reading.
I listened to the new Sleater-Kinney album; Janet Weiss is still missed, but the emotional terrain they explore on Little Rope resonates with me.