December blahs

Looking for pockets of quiet

Life here hasn’t been particularly exciting lately, but my body’s capacity has gone down over the past few years and I need a lot more rest than it used to. When I take into consideration how much of a day my job takes up, plus the time needed to get showered and dressed and eat breakfast, as well as the need for enough sleep to function, there really isn’t a whole lot of time for much else. Besides, it’s the time of year for slowing down.

I feel like I fill a lot of my time with noise. On some days, it really is tempting to delete all the social media accounts, stop living vicariously through everyone else’s posts, and just give my contact information to family and a few other people. I want to connect with people who get me, but I also just have the desire to walk away from this stage where we’re all jockeying for attention, chasing the little hits of dopamine that come from someone reacting to whatever we post. It also feels like there’s a general pressure to keep up with every little update, even though the algorithms make that much more difficult.

I’m considering going on another holiday break from the socials, at least for the period from Christmas Eve to New Year’s. I’ve been doing that the last few times I’ve gone to visit family in New Brunswick so I can be a little more present while I’m there, and not always doomscrolling. I’ll probably send out one more newsletter before then, but I need to replenish the well.

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I miss the more spontaneous side of myself sometimes. A lot of what I miss about it is the greater potential for the unexpected, or the random chemistry you find with someone you just met, the kind that you never would have found searching for a collection of personality traits (and the occasional physical attribute) as if they were ChatGPT prompts. There aren’t that many chances for that to happen when you don’t go too far outside of your routine, or generally abstain from alcohol, which can be a catalyzing element for impulsiveness, for better or worse. Turns out I traded the expense and physical toll of drinking for a smaller life and a greater awareness of my own limitations.

I’m always navigating where I fit, but everything shifts. That’s just life, though.

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I was reminded of this song a few days ago, one I’ve always liked since watching the video on MuchMusic on a rainy June afternoon after the anticlimactic last day of Grade 11.

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