Five things
Life update, April 2026
One
I haven’t posted in a little while because I’ve been going through a bit of writer’s block. It’s particularly frustrating because I often discover my own thoughts or emotions only through the process of writing; I also need to be able to write for a while to actually get to that state of discovery. If only I could readily decide things like “what do I want to write about” and “what do I actually have to say about this topic”, but there are many times where the gap between capability and ambition feels insurmountable, and I just don’t have access to the needed skills for some reason.
I would love to be the kind of person who can post on a regular schedule, but I get caught between the need for a deadline in order to get started and the danger of burning out from trying to adhere to it. In theory, having a number of posts banked ahead of time would help me get around this, but somehow I haven’t been able to put this into practice. Do I work on one thing at a time or start on a whole bunch and then add to them piecemeal? When I begin a post but leave to finish it for another time, it can be hard to access the same thoughts I was originally trying to articulate. I also sometimes feel like I need to work on things in a specific order, even though I have been able to bounce around from point to point in the past; my worry is that the whole thing will come off as too disjointed.
The way the Internet works now is that you have to post regularly at certain times and say the right words in order for people to see it, and I don’t really have the mental bandwidth to be constantly marketing myself amid the constant noise. I hate feeling like I need to optimize my output, especially when it comes to things I enjoy. I’ve also been feeling a general discomfort with the way we have to put our lives out on display while still carefully curating them in order to put out the right impression. It’s just too exhausting to stay in the loop, let alone try to keep people in ours.
I don’t think I would ever be able to handle fame. I’d probably be a recluse instead.
Two
I turned 44 last Thursday. My younger sister Carrie came to Halifax for the week; neither of us really felt like doing anything particularly big for the occasion, so we just ordered in from Swiss Chalet (a rotisserie chicken restaurant chain here in Canada) and were content to spend most of the week doing very little aside from my necessary excursions to the office. Our biggest excursion was a trip to the mall for some poutine and presents for Autumn.
I don’t know if I’ll ever return to doing anything bigger for my birthday again. As much as I enjoyed connecting with people I love who I may not have seen for a while, I feel like these events were just as much about presenting myself as being more social than I actually was, and maybe a bit of showing off how cool my friends are. When I think about these nights, I also remember the exhaustion I would feel trying to keep up with multiple conversations at the table, and the growing intoxication I would feel over the course of the night, as well as the misery of a hangover the next day.
Without the alcohol to numb my social anxiety, I realize that I’m just not wired for these things. I want to exist and not feel the need to perform.
Three
On to a different Carrie: Carrie Courogen just posted this amazing essay about Canadian singer-songwriter Mary Margaret O’Hara (older sister of the late Catherine). I found myself relating to her quite a bit, particularly the discomfort with being more known when her album came out.
Four
My friend Genevieve periodically shares stories of her different adventures around the world, and she just recently posted about rowing the Inside Passage of British Columbia with her dog Reggie. It’s a long one (about a 33 minute read according to the website), but Gen is an amazing storyteller. One thing I always have admired about her is just how committed she is to carving out the kind of life she wants to have, even when it isn’t easy.
Five
I made another playlist; this one is all songs with female vocals. Yes, there is some Mary Margaret O’Hara on it. You can download it to your platform of choice here.
This song (“Took It All”) isn’t in the Spotify version because Sarah Harmer removed her music from that platform (good for her!), but if you want to listen to it in order, it should go between “Leavin’” and “Who Knows Where The Time Goes” (As with all YouTube videos, this may be geoblocked depending on where you’re trying to access it from).
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I feel this.
1. Fame is overrated.
2. I don't write unless I've got something to say. That's hard to schedule, so I don't.
Hi:
My suggestion for your first point is to consider writing when you have so much passion or opinion about something that you must get it out. I do this when I do sports and also when I write. It always makes me feel better to release and share my emotions. Most of the time, someone tells me it is exactly what they needed to hear. I gave up long ago on wanting the number of likes to prove I was worthy of writing and sharing my thoughts. I know for a fact it makes me feel better to write and post them, and that's good enough.
I hope this helps, Bronwyn!
Tracy