January blahs
Moods, time, and desire
To be honest, I’ve been feeling moodier and crankier than usual lately. I’m in the headspace where I want to connect but can’t figure out with whom or what I want to say, so I end up shrinking away from people. I’m keeping an eye on how I feel; usually it’s just something I have to ride out, but I would appreciate it if people reached out just to say hello, or to give me an update on what’s happening in their lives.
It may be just be the usual January blahs, or leftover overload from visiting family in New Brunswick. I like seeing everyone, especially the pets, but the lack of space in my parents’ house really gets to me after a few days. My cat Autumn stayed upstairs, away from most of the noise and excitement (and dogs); I found myself joining her often. She’s definitely my kitty.
When I come home, I usually need a few days to decompress before I jump back into my routine. For some reason it doesn’t feel like I had enough this year; maybe it’s because I got back into Halifax on Saturday afternoon and went into the office on Tuesday morning, or maybe it’s that New Year’s Day walk to Shopper’s Drug Mart to get my bus pass for the month. It’s fortunate that my first day back in the office was relatively quiet; it makes the adjustment a little easier while I try to remember how I do the basic tasks of my job.
I’m still thinking a lot about how time just passes so much faster as I age. Things that happened a long time ago still feel like they recently occurred. I was reminded of an incident 10 years ago where I ended up stranded downtown in a snowstorm due to not being let out of work until the buses were being pulled off the road. It made me think about how long I’ve been living here, especially in comparison to the rest of my life. It’s also a bit sobering to realize how long I hold onto things; I have trouble letting them go even if I want to.
I don’t really know what happiness would look like. I don’t say this in a despairing way; I mean that everything’s shifted so much in the past couple of years that I need to renegotiate what I really want out of life. The last few years have been more about stabilizing and accepting my full self (also, there was a global pandemic that’s still not over); it’s a start, but I’m not sure where I want to go from here. I already feel myself compromising again, taking the path of least of resistance. I think this comes from being naturally disappointment-averse and rejection-sensitive, as well as years of people-pleasing. It’s hard to dream, it’s hard to desire.
I’ve been wondering about my relationship to this city; I’ve let it atrophy in the last couple of years. It’s hard to really feel connected to a place when you spend most of your time at work and at home, and don’t really make enough effort to see people (again, rejection-sensitive). I can’t see myself moving anywhere else, though.
Maybe I need to start walking outside again. I used to take walks during my lunch break at a previous job; they helped clear my head, which was usually clogged by hyperfocusing on data entry all morning. My current job doesn’t require the same constant focus; when we were in our old building I sometimes “took a wander” (as my old supervisor put it), but I usually took advantage of being in the quiet part of the office. I probably need to take a longer lunch again, even if I no longer leave as early as I do now.
I’m listening to a lot of sad music lately. I find comfort in it, especially when I can relate to the lyrics. Songs about missing someone or how a specific person won’t leave your mind; Feist’s “I Wish I Didn’t Miss You” hits me particularly hard. I also find myself gravitating more towards female artists these days. In no particular order, I’ve been listening to (among others):
Sarah Harmer
Kathleen Edwards
Jenny Lewis
boygenius (both the group and individuals)
Angel Olsen
Sharon Van Etten
Martha Wainwright
Molly Tuttle and Golden Highway
Weyes Blood
Lucinda Williams
Margo Price
as mentioned before, Feist
Joni Mitchell
Signing off for now with a particularly heartbreaking song.