Love and communication

A short letter

I was feeling a little off yesterday; on edge, stuck in my head, and unable to focus. Nothing specifically triggered it, although I did feel my face fall when I thought I saw someone down at Scotia Square during a run for extra caffeine; it just felt like the cumulative effect of spending a day in the office, with all the sights, sounds, things to do, etc. It would be nice if I always felt as clear-headed and articulate as I want to be, but when I’m like this I just feel fuzzy-brained and communication seems harder than it already is.

There never seems to be enough time, especially when your body and mind don’t always cooperate.

---

Is it weird that I usually feel relieved when I find out someone’s currently partnered? Now, I want love (or just “fun times”) as much as the next person, but I prefer not having to worry (as much) about sparks flying between myself and someone else. Granted, someone else being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily pre-empt the possibility of developing feelings for them, but they’re usually out of the running.

I don’t really believe in “the one”; there are so many factors at play when it comes to human connection that when we match with someone, it’s always going to be a mixture of luck, compromise and experimentation from both parties. I’m too tired to look, either; the click just doesn’t really happen without a period of regular interaction, and the people I see most regularly are co-workers, which is a line I don’t want to cross.

I know I should allow myself to be vulnerable and let more people further into my life, but I usually don’t have the energy once the social rituals and small talk drain most of it. But sometimes I wonder: who actually knows me?

---

“Song For Sharon” is one of my favorite Joni Mitchell songs, and this artist made an illustrated video for it a while back.