Summer check-in
Where I am currently, head-wise
I’ve been thinking about just doing another life update post for a while, as opposed to takes on specific issues or random introspection. I don’t really have too many exciting stories to tell, though, aside from maybe the time I took a later bus than usual and crossed paths with someone I worked with 10 years ago (we didn’t interact, though I thought I saw a faint smile of recognition on her face; I tend to overthink things, though).
I moved to Halifax 13 years ago in October. It was a combination of looking for a better job market than Miramichi, New Brunswick had to offer and the feeling that if I didn’t leave then, I would be stuck there for the rest of my life, but I also wanted to be in a place that had a more vibrant cultural scene and a bigger queer community. I still like having access to both, but I don’t really take advantage of it anymore because while I’m making better money than when I was working through a temp agency, the cost of living has gone up significantly since then.
My city’s Pride parade and the Halifax Jazz Festival just happened; I skipped both. I used to take pictures of the Parade, and even marched in it a few times, and this year there were a few acts at JazzFest that I probably would have gone to if I wanted to spend the money and felt up to it (I actually did see St. Vincent the last time she was here in 2014), but as I’ve said before, my tolerance for heat, humidity and crowds has gone down over the years, and I always feel like I need to ask myself “am I going to need to recover from this?”. Part of it is that I’ve come to accept the quirks of my nervous system instead of trying to overcome them, but it also ties into not drinking alcohol much anymore (if at all); drinking used to really help me more comfortable in these situations, but my tolerance has gone down to the point where I can’t even finish a beer without feeling it.
What I realized is that I don’t really feel sad about this. Maybe it just hasn’t really registered with me on some level, but considering all that’s changed within myself and the world over the last couple of years, I have this awareness that so much in life is temporary, and that my needs have evolved. I’ve become conscious of how much more effort that I need to put into day-to-day existence than a neurotypical person, and how it all builds cumulatively.
As you can expect, there really isn’t a whole lot happening in my life these days, just the usual ritual of going to the office and coming home. It’s mostly that the cognitive load of keeping my baseline just takes a lot of my mental resources, and regular rest is the only way that I can really recharge, especially as I get older. When I’m a certain level of tired, I don’t want to interact with people, so I try not to let myself get to this state, and when I catch myself there, it’s a sign to go home.
A general rule is that, outside of my immediate family, if you need me after 4pm on weekdays, no you don't. I prefer to have a certain amount of time blocked off every day where I don’t have any expectations to do anything, and can just let myself rest and eat without too much sensory input. I also have my phone notifications turned off every night between 10pm and 7am; I’m usually getting ready for bed around that time, and while I may still be looking at my phone then, I will probably be under my weighted blanket, wearing my CPAP mask (I know, sexy, right?), and possibly zoning out to music.
As soon as I’m back in my apartment after work, I don’t want to leave unless I have a really good reason. I will deliberately go straight to the pharmacy from work just to avoid the extra trip, but even then, I usually have to psych myself up to go; there’s something about that particular errand that I dread, but I’m not sure what it is. It just feels like a chore.
I always feel like there’s a little bit of a sameness to what I’ve been sharing here lately, but that’s mostly because there’s a certain autopilot to my routine, to the point where it takes conscious effort to deviate from it. If I seem distant lately, it’s not personal, but you’re probably going to have to be the one doing the heavy lifting of interacting with me.
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