This is a letter

Life update, February 2025

Dear reader (yes, I actually used that as an opening),

How are you doing, especially considering the events of the last few weeks? I’ve been finding it hard to really do much other than work and rest; limiting my social media intake helps somewhat, though I do sometimes need the distraction and connection they provide. It’s also the middle of winter here, so there’s the added fun of the cold, the wet, and the ice; when I get home from the office, I do not want to leave the apartment until I have to go to work again.

As you can guess, it’s not that great for my mood. I’ve already filled several posts with my rage about specific people and ideologies, though, so I’m not going to really say too much about them other than acknowledging that yes, this stuff is always in the back of my mind, it’s hard, and I’m tired. Right now, though, I’m more interested in just talking about what’s going on in my own life these days, at least more in depth than I can in a normal social media post.

I tend to use up all my executive function at the office; it’s more my own neurological makeup than anything, but it means I just don’t have the mental energy to do too much outside of work hours (more on that later). Work’s pretty much the same as it normally is, aside from some very minor changes that don’t really affect me much. I like it better when I have a little more to do, but overall it’s still going well, and I appreciate the stability it brings to my life even when I don’t have the energy for much else.

Aside from that, I feel like I’m in a bit of a shift that I don’t know where it’s headed. I’ve done a terrible job of putting the work in to maintain my relationships with people, aside from social media posts. It’s like my brain can’t think of things to say anymore, and the idea of a synchronous conversation just seems like too much effort after a certain time of day. I know part of it is an awareness of my own needs for space, sensory rest, and quiet, especially as I get older; however, the longer this goes on, the less comfortable I am with reaching out directly to people.

I also rarely go out anymore aside from errands or the occasional post-work trip to the record store, and usually can’t wait to get back home to my own space. I know the pandemic has made hanging out in spaces for a long time less appealing on a general level; I just don’t really have the drive to stick around some place any longer than necessary. I used to drink to feel more comfortable around other people, especially in noisy or crowded spaces, but at some point over the last few years, whatever I got out of the experience stopped being worth the expense or feeling like crap the next day, and I just didn’t feel like going for even just a beer anymore. It’s more apathy than a conscious attempt at sobriety, but it’s been well over a year since my last drink.

I used to have get-togethers, usually for my birthday or to commemorate the anniversary of my move to Halifax, but I don’t see myself holding one of these anytime soon. To be honest, I don’t really feel like I’m the same person who set these up anymore. I don’t like being up late, and as much as I like seeing my friends, the sounds of multiple conversations happening all at once, plus background music, just makes me start to zone out and go back into my own head.

As you can guess from all this, I spend a lot of time alone. This isn’t self-pity; it’s just an observation. I think I feel more comfortable existing on the periphery of community rather than trying to be a part of one.

Maybe things will get better once the snow goes away.

If you’re reading this right now, I would like to hear from you; it could be a comment on something in the newsletter, or just an update on how things are going in your own lives. Please feel free to leave a comment or contact me directly at bjdwsm@gmail.com; as well, if you know someone who might appreciate reading this, you are more than welcome to share this post with them.

Take care,

Bronwyn