This is what I see
Observations on the bad and good
I feel like I’m in the stage of my life where I only have a finite number of fucks to give about things, and I better choose them carefully. I do what I can to protect my own peace. Burning bridges doesn’t particularly interest me, but I don’t want to waste my time waiting at them either, nor build them to wastelands.
It’s so depressing seeing how everything has been playing out in the United States over the last few months, especially with some of the most vicious sadists ever to hold high office. If you haven’t heard, RFK Jr. just made a bunch of remarks saying that autism is an epidemic and that autistic children will “never pay taxes, write a poem, go on date”, etc., etc. He’s promised to investigate the “cause” of autism (which he’ll probably blame on vaccines anyway).
First of all, this line of thinking is inaccurate; the increased rates are due to better screening and changing criteria for diagnosis, including finally accepting that people may have both autism and ADHD. Second, this pretty much erases every autistic person who has lower support needs, many of whom who have started families, built successful careers for themselves. Maybe he thinks none of us actually earned those things, that we just got them through DEI or scamming people. Last, whether or not someone is a “productive member of society” (i.e., their labour makes obscenely rich people even wealthier) is not a measure of whether they are worthy of existence.
The dehumanizing language RFK Jr. uses makes autistic people sound like a problem with society; I wonder if he wishes we all would die off before we turn 18. I honestly think his endgame is eradication, similar to how the Nazis enacted Aktion T4 to get rid of the “useless eaters” and “life unworthy of life”. Considering the number of autistic people who also happen to be LGBTQ, and that the U.S. government is also fighting against trans right, it also seems like he may use this as an excuse to deny people their bodily autonomy. This man seems like the kind of guy who gets sexually aroused reading about Josef Mengele’s human experimentation.
We’re seeing more messages about how empathy is toxic and a sin. This is by design: if you don’t have empathy, you don’t care about the cruelty inflicted on others; you may even see it as a thing to cheer for. Valuing obedience above all tends to make you rationalize atrocities, especially when you believe the command comes from someone “anointed” by God. If something bad happens to someone, they must be being punished for some kind of bad choice, or some sin that they (or their ancestors) committed. Or they were never the elect in the first place.
I remember reading those shitty Christian Archie comics by Al Hartley when I was growing up. I didn’t like them as much as the regular secular ones; they came across as too preachy, and I wasn’t the biggest fan of his art style. Years later, I’m still unpacking the unfortunate implications of some of the messages within (here are some particularly egregious examples). Overall, though, I just never felt like this was the kind of worldview that was built for people like me, as much as we could try to contort ourselves to make ourselves acceptable.
During a break in employment a number of years ago, there was a full series marathon of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood that streamed on Twitch. I used to watch that show when I was young; this was back in the 80s, when they still had the early 70s episodes (with the old model neighborhood and the set walls painted brown) in the rotation, and seeing those shows brought back a lot of memories. It was also interesting to watch through adult eyes; in addition to being able to watch the ways in which the show evolved over the years, I came away with an increased appreciation for the thoughtful and reflective way Fred Rogers engaged with the viewer, not to mention the occasional bit of his sly humour that slipped into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe segments. The musical accompaniment was also very sophisticated for a kid’s show, especially during the closing credits when John Costa and band just let loose. I wonder if that was where I started to develop a taste for jazz.
Rogers was a Presbyterian minister, but he considered his show his ministry, and was more concerned about children’s social and emotional well-being than getting them to memorize doctrine; instead of trying to stifle children’s curiosity and empathy, he encouraged it. I was struck by how much his show reinforced the idea that everyone has inherent value and has something to contribute to the world, as well as having needs that deserve to be met. There’s a lot more room for nuance in this worldview than in one that tends to think in black-and-white terms.
Sometimes I see women in passing with something about them that reminds me of Ida; a frame of reference that would hold more meaning to someone who actually knows her, or at least knows which pronunciation of her name she uses. I don’t even know what that comparison means anymore, because what remains in my memory is only a sketch, not the full person. There probably is no deeper significance to this; you probably have people like that from your past that still occasionally reverberate years after you’ve last seen them.
Recommended reads:
Wild Faith: How the Christian Right is Taking Over America by Talia Lavin
The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church by Sarah McCammon
A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy by Tia Levings
Recommended Substacks:
A Crack in the Stained Glass
STRONGWILLED
For Such a Time as This
Deconstructing Fundamentalism with Tia Levings
The Post-Evangelical Post
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I decided to end this newsletter on a nicer note this week.