Disparate discussions
Things going on, things I think about
This post is a little all over the place, but then again, when am I not?
It is now eight days before the United States election. Yesterday, one of the candidates held a fascist hate rally in Madison Square Garden. It is horrifying just how many people not only accept but embrace this hatred, but then again there’s a whole cohort of Christian parenting advice that’s mainly about beating children into being obedient little fascists. I’ve written about this a lot already, but you should check out the latest chapter of
for a deeper dive into this issue.I really hope November 5th is a thorough rebuke against this man.
I ended up re-adding the social apps to my phone about two weeks ago; everything except for TikTok, which I never really got the appeal of, and Twitter, which is owned by a billionaire whose desperation to be seen as cool and funny would just be sad if he wasn’t such a menace to democracy. I still access the latter through my computer, but the accounts are mainly there to park the usernames and keep specific connections open.
When I had the apps taken off my phone, I found myself just checking my e-mail and the same few websites over and over. I did find that when I accessed the different sites on my computer, I didn’t really feel like spending a lot of time on them, but also didn’t feel like I had the same ability to reach out as I do on the phone; it’s like how some people (including myself) feel more comfortable writing e-mail on an actual computer than on a phone. Since adding the apps back, I’ve been making more of an effort to leave comments, add to the conversations, or just post in general when I’m not too sleepy or brain-foggy to string a sentence together.
There’s always the danger of losing hours to mindless scrolling, so I’m trying to give myself a reason to be on the phone. I also have to be careful not to flit around between apps for too long or I tend to get overstimulated.
I’m generally not a follower of sports, but I always had an admiration for women’s rugby because my friend Gen used to play on Team Canada years ago (before the event was added to the Olympics in 2016). When I was up in New Brunswick during the summer, my sisters and I spent a fair bit of time watching the Olympics coverage on CBC; it was awesome to see all the excellence on display, but especially nice to see the Canadian women’s rugby sevens team win silver.
We were also amused by the picture of the Canadian women’s rugby sevens team captain Olivia Apps1 they used, mid-game with her mouth guard in, because it reminded us of how over 20 years ago Gen and her friend Joanne had their mouth guards in for their photos on their university team’s website. Speaking of Gen, I’ve shared her writing a few times before, but haven’t posted a link to her most recent story. This one is about her travels in New Zealand in 2014; it’s definitely worth your time.
I’ve been thinking more about the concept of masking lately. For those who aren’t familiar, “masking” is what autistic people do to blend in with their neurotypical peers; it’s basically hiding anything about us that could be construed as odd or alienating, or that may draw criticism or rejection. Sometimes there are conscious choices involved, but a lot of time it’s something we’ve been conditioned to do without even thinking about it.
And it’s exhausting as fuck.
I feel like I’m always performing different versions of myself based on what I feel like they expect of me, the way people do in job interviews or on dates. As soon as I don’t have to be anywhere, I usually retreat to the comfort of my apartment, where I can be alone (well, with the cat). I need more alone time than the average person.
It’s not that I don’t also have the need for some sort of emotional and physical connection; I just don’t know how much will overload my nervous system. There are a handful of people with whom I actually developed the ability to let my guard down around, to be able to just exist around them without self-policing my body language, eye contact and other things, but I feel like it’s harder to reach this state lately, often getting stuck in the superficial world of small talk. I have to be careful about who I let in, and tend to keep some sort of distance from people I don’t know well enough. Even with people I know well, I still pull back somewhat. I wonder who actually feels like they know the real me.
The single life is the best fit for me. The process of dating2 just seems like a chore, and I doubt I’m the kind of person who would be able to just have a fling3 with someone even when I feel a spark. Besides, if I feel comfortable enough around someone, I don’t want to jeopardize that.
About 10 years ago when I was working a temp job processing rebate applications, this was one of the songs that would play on one of the radio stations I listened to. Always liked the sonic atmosphere of this one.
I find myself thinking of that time a lot lately. Maybe it’s just that it’s the same time of year that one of the programs I processed would begin.
Side note: I think it’s cool Apps is an out queer athlete, as well as that she’s open about having alopecia and doesn’t wear a wig (probably not the most practical thing for sports anyway). I have huge respect for any woman who is unapologetically bald.
I’m attracted to a lot of different people (maybe I should write about that sometime?), but not particularly interested in cishet men.
Nice to have you back Bronwyn. I like the song you shared. I hope that, south of the border, sanity will prevail November 5th. I live in BC and we are living through our own nail biter of an election (looking like the NDP will prevail, thank god, but it is disarmingly close).
Thank you!