Body, brain and heart

Or, A break, a dream, a birthday

I took a week off work because I had a lot of vacation time left and figured I may as well use it before the end of the fiscal year. I needed the break; my job isn’t particularly difficult, but I had been feeling exhausted from the mixture of winter, the news, and, well, just day-to-day existence. I feel like my performance as a human being takes a lot of effort, and when I’m out in the world, I wonder if people are scrutinizing it, even though on some level I know they’re not. Either way, I was craving some time to myself where I wasn’t bound to most of my usual obligations.

I rarely left the apartment, aside from running a small errand I had been putting off because it involved heading to Bayers Lake, a business park that’s technically pretty convenient to my home, but is a chore to visit. These places were definitely not designed for pedestrians; they barely qualify as car-friendly. Other than that, it was pretty much a week not to do anything unless I absolutely needed or wanted to; if my body wanted sleep, I slept.

I was originally hoping to write a newsletter or blog post during my break, even if I didn’t publish, but I wasn’t motivated enough to do so. I also get headaches during low barometric pressure events, so on some days I didn’t even feel like going near the computer. Productivity wasn’t the goal, though; rest was.

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The week before, I had a dream about my old crush¹ that hung over me for the day afterward. It’s actually quite rare she actually shows up in the dreams; she’s usually more of an unseen presence that I try to avoid running into. Anytime I see her face in a dream would understandably stand out; the dreams where I actually talk to her, even more so. All I remember is confessing to having a massive crush years ago that started to make me too sad to run into her; I don’t recall any reaction. Maybe I woke up before that part.

I guess on some level I want to tell her about the crush to get it out of my system, but I don’t think she actually needs to know about it or how much it weighs on me because it’s not likely to go anywhere. As far as I know, she’s a neurotypical straight girl, and even if there was reciprocation, I don’t even know what I want out of it: am I just wanting a brief bit of pleasure or an attempt at something longer term? Would I even be ready for the latter?

We also don’t have enough of an existing relationship to salvage by clearing the air, so for me to reach out just to bring this up would just be unnecessary drama. Our paths don’t really cross anymore, at least not as often as they did even last year; my office move lets me catch a later bus than before, and I normally leave the Halifax peninsula right away (partially to avoid her). I do hope she’s well, though, and wonder how things have been going for her.

I just wish I didn’t have more trouble letting things go than most people.

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My birthday’s coming up in a couple of weeks; I’ll be 42². I don’t know if I’ll be up to having a gathering like in years past; as of right now I don’t have any plans to celebrate. The actual date falls on a Tuesday this year, so if I did something to celebrate I would probably wait until Friday, as I get paid the day before and also get my HST refund. I wouldn’t say no to something small if someone offered, but I’m not sure whether I can handle being around more than a few people.

One particular celebration I remember was 10 years ago; my younger sister Carrie was visiting me in Halifax, and I made plans with a few friends of mine to have dinner at Mother’s, a local pizza place. I had also been e-mailing back and forth with my friend Gen (whose writing I linked to in a previous post³); she was visiting home from the West Coast and let drop that she was going to be in the Halifax area for a short period. I let her know about the gathering and said she was welcome to drop by if she was around. I wasn’t actually expecting to see her that night, but when I saw her approaching the restaurant from Agricola Street with her sister’s family, it was definitely a welcome surprise.

As you can see this was years before I transitioned. Most of these people were actually there for both surprise parties.

Speaking of surprises, I had another really nice one two years later. I was about a month into a stretch of unemployment, and wasn’t really expecting to do much that year, though my friend Jen from my last job suggested we go out for dinner somewhere that night. As we drove down Main Avenue in Fairview, she mentioned that she had to stop by our friend Steve’s place in the North End for something. When we got there, I noticed another friend through the front window, but didn’t think anything of it; he was someone that I had met through Steve a few years back, so his presence didn’t seem unusual. I was invited in and called to the kitchen, where Carrie and several other friends were waiting for me.

I don’t think anything will top those two years⁴, but I’m glad for those memories.

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The title track of Mary Timony’s new record Untame the Tiger feels appropriate this week, particularly this verse:

And now I got a dragon in my mind
And I'm staring into space
All I ever do is talk to you
In my imagination
Do you believe in a brighter day?
Well, I can't find my faith
I wanna know where this feeling goes
Don't wanna walk away

1. I wrote about this crush and why she haunts me in detail on the other blog about a year ago: Saudade in transit

2. If anybody wants to get me something, my Amazon wishlists (separated by category) are all on my Linktree.

3. My post, which also contains a few more words of praise about Gen’s writing, can be found here.

4. There was also the impulsive cab ride to Amherst with my friends Alec and Wilson on my birthday when we were students at Mount Allison University 20 years ago, but that was more of a spur-of-the-moment decision than a surprise.