On my own

The good and the bad of it

One reason I prefer to live on my own is that I have the space to use my time at home however I want, even if I don’t always take advantage of it; I need to have blocks of time where I don’t have anything scheduled. I often just use the weekends to catch up on sleep and rest, minimizing any extra sensory input. I value my autonomy a lot.

I’m in my 40s and I know I don’t need to justify my choices or tastes, but sometimes I still feel like I do. Maybe it’s a reaction to growing up in a religious household¹, or my neurodivergent dislike of being observed². Watching certain shows or movies or listening to certain music with other people around makes me feel weird for some reason.

I feel like I’ve let so much time pass waiting for others’ approval before making decisions or taking action, or at least downplaying my own wants and needs. I’m still in the process of closing the disconnect between who I am and who I want to be.

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As I tend not to go out too much these days, there hasn’t been a whole lot of spontaneous bumping into people, aside from a few random people (usually former coworkers) I see in the mall downstairs from my office. I always forget how nice it is to see them in person instead of as pixels on a monitor or touchscreen.

Maybe it’s because my anxiety about encountering OWC overshadows things, even though I haven’t had any run-ins with her in over 6 months (and I think I just jinxed myself by writing that). Nicest woman ever, but sometimes I still find myself getting hypervigilant and playing whatever scripted conversation I’d potentially need to use in case we were to meet.

I probably should spend more time outside, though. Maybe take the camera out again too, but I say that every year.

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I really hate how much online communication has become as much about marketing as anything else. I’m tired; I don’t want to have to “sell” myself in order to get the basic human for connection need met³. I think it’s also connected to how we’re losing common spaces and isolating more because of the pandemic.

Social media requires you to game the system in order to be seen, and someone decided that too many marginalized people were finding each other and being heard. Sometimes I feel like I’m just shouting in the void when I post things, so if you read this, I’d appreciate if you took the time to leave a comment or send a short message (bjdwsm at gmail).

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1. STRONGWILLED is a good exploration of how the authoritarian child-rearing practices of Dr. James Dobson and others were meant to fight against the social progress of the 1960s by destroying the child’s autonomy. I also recommend co-author

D.L. Mayfield

’s other newsletter,

Healing is My Special Interest

.

2. I’ve written more about my experience as an autistic person on my other blog.

3. Maybe that’s why I’m not too fond of job interviews or dating.